The Forum

New mums love other new mums. When I found out I was pregnant I ventured online to explore the masses of parenting websites. I quickly became a member of a birth club where I could chat with other pregnant women due the same month as me. It was exciting to watch the stream of women join the site as their pregnancies were confirmed, chat about morning sickness whilst hiding it from work colleagues and complain about regular clothes no longer fitting whilst secretly loving it. These were women that you could share disappointments with. Women that you had never met but would happily discuss your breasts, bowel movements and much worse. Women that would soon hear all the intimate details of your birth and recovery. Women who then go on to support you while you are sleep deprived and ready to give up on breast feeding for the 12th time that day.

There is however a dark side to these forums. This dark side is well hidden behind words of comfort, typed sympathetic noises and smiley faces. This dark side goes unnoticed by a lot of over tired mothers, so it is important to shed some light.

Mothers are fierce creatures. Protective of their children, defensive of their parenting techniques and competitive in ways that will surprise the average childless person. To give you an example of this, let me tell you about a thread that was started on self settling. A wonderful technique which can be tackled a few different ways and should not to be confused with the controlled crying method. A mother writes an update on her struggle to get her 9 week old child to settle. She is keen to get this child to self settle in order to have some alone time with her arms (I'd like some alone time with my breasts - but lets save that for a different post). A helpful mother reads her call for help and tilts her head sympathetically whilst preparing her response. Let's read this response.

"(Hugs), oh hon, that must be really tough on you, especially if you are not getting much sleep at night. I personally don't believe in letting babies cry themselves to sleep but it does work for some mothers. My Gracie has been sleeping through since 7 weeks and also goes down for her day naps without any fuss. We have a routine where she is fed, changed, wrapped, and then taken to her bassinet where I tell her she is loved, cuddle her for a few minutes and then put her down where she will lie quietly awake before eventually nodding off. At night my husband does the same to ensure the routine stays the same."

Well that sounds innocent enough, but lets have a closer look.

"(Hugs) (dear god, don't touch me, we've never met), oh hon, that must be really tough on you, especially if you are not getting much sleep at night. I personally don't believe in letting babies cry themselves to sleep but it does work for some mothers (she meant to say 'bad mothers' and has just made the 60% of women who do let their babies cry feel like Hitler). My Gracie has been sleeping through since 7 weeks (relevance?) and also goes down for her day naps without any fuss (now you are just showing off). We have a routine where she is fed, changed, wrapped, and then taken to her bassinet where I tell her she is loved, cuddle her for a few minutes and then put her down where she will lie quietly awake before eventually nodding off (we get it, you're a wonderful Mum). At night my husband does the same to ensure the routine stays the same (how surprising, she has a wonderful, supportive husband)."

On further investigation, I noticed that most of her responses throughout many threads, began with 'My Gracie' and often launched into a Gracie's World update without actually answering the question. Turns out that she is the perfect child raised by a mother with all the answers. I have a sneaking suspicion that in a few years we'll be hearing about how Gracie is ahead of everyone in her class and doesn't eat any food that isn't organic. Gracie will excel in sports, the arts and have traveled overseas more times than most of the mothers put together. I may be completely out of line - time will tell.

Yes, new mums love other new mums and forums were created for this purpose. But, be warned, when you are looking to your new friends for answers read their advice carefully, as you may be missing their point.

Re-awakening the brain

Eleven weeks ago my entire world changed in ways I could never have foreseen. These changes were permanent, life altering, incredible and terrifying. Our little boy arrived very late and quite forcibly into the world. Its clear to me now that neither of us were ready. He was holding onto that cord as tightly as I was unconsciously crossing my legs. Yes, I whined in the traditional way heavily pregnant women do about 'just wanting it out', but that's because I had very naive ideas of what was coming next.

Women spend far too much time scaring first time mothers about the birth (yes its awful - but at least its over in a few hours) and not enough time warning them about what life will be like once their little bundle arrives. You don't even have to have had a baby to pass on a scary birth story. Tales of 3rd degree tears, 2 day labours and shattered pelvis' are standard lead ins from perfect strangers as soon as you say the words 'I'm pregnant'. No detail is spared. As for after the birth? You can expect short and unhelpful generalisations such as 'Your life will never be the same again' and 'Get as much sleep as you can now'. In hindsight, my responses would have been 'Please be more specific' and 'You do realise you can't bank sleep (insert profanity here)?'. I can guarantee you that I was not feeding my son after the birth thinking thank god I had that afternoon nap two weeks ago.

Yes, it has been a challenge so far but it is true that motherhood does come with its rewards. A beaming smile, a daggy giggle or a sleepy cuddle is all it takes to forget the sleepness night prior filled with endless feeds. I repeat, endless feeds.

On a more positive note, I seem to slowly be returning to the real world which as it turns out, did not go on hold because I had a baby. As the title suggests, its time to re-awaken the brain and start using it for more than clock watching. This blog will hopefully keep me sane and able to cope better with the isolation that comes with being a new Mum. Today when my husband comes home from work I will have something to report other than the list of chores I didn't get around to doing. I have started a vent, a vent he doesn't have to hear, but will be obligated to read.